I’m a nobody. A statistic. A blip on the radar of existence. I’ve wandered aimlessly through life’s more labyrinthine corridors searching for ‘That Certain Something’ that would send my life into vertical takeoff.
Perhaps ‘searching for’ is too strong a phrase….. ‘prodding around lazily for’ might better suit my general level of apathy.
In other words, I’m probably you! (that is if you happen to be a married 32 year old father of two called Jake from Brighton . If not then I’m probably a bit like you.)
I hope you haven’t formed the impression that I’m a miserable sod. Far from it… I’m just a realist.
For a start, despite the clichés pertaining to ‘the old ball and chain’, and the perceived perpetual life ruining properties that children seem to posses, I’m very happily married and I love my kids. I just don’t do anything!
I have friends who do things.
Take my mate Luke for example; Speaks 2 foreign languages fluently and will forever speak English better than me.
He lived for a few years in Japan
Then there’s my friend Johnny; Works in Africa as some sort of charity coordinator. He comes home every now and again and it’s always a real pleasure to see him, but I can never feel totally at ease in his company. The man exudes too much job satisfaction for my neuroses to deal with. If a man’s wealth could be measured by the amount of lives he has touched then Johnny would be one of the richest people I know. He does something!
I don’t do anything!
Well, that’s not strictly speaking true……. There is this one thing……..
Bit of background; about a year ago my wife and I discovered that she was ‘with child’ again. After a 9 year gap between then and our first child in 2002, we were slightly more relaxed and at ease with the situation, and positively warmed to the idea of the pitter-patter of tiny feet.
By contrast back in 2001, when we first discovered we were going to be parents, we were both only just out of our teens and I think it’s fair to say that I spent the first 3 or so years of fatherhood joining my daughter in the act of continually shitting myself. That’s why I was so thin! (to those who knew me then and are witness to the sack full of kebabs, pies and gravy that I have become).
Anyway, here we were again in 2011 facing ‘Mt Parenthood’, but this time we had all the right equipment, and weren’t attempting to climb it in shorts, t-shirts and flip-flops.
Now children don’t come cheap (this is not actually true, they don't cost that much to acquire - some can be purchased for as little as 5 WKD Blues. However, it’s the maintenance that can be on the pricey side).
In order for my wife to take a full year’s worth of maternity leave, muggins here had to look into getting a second job to pay for it……. But what a job I found.
By day, I’m a Pointless Desk-Based Pleb (official title) for the public sector. By night (and weekends), I’m a ‘Chauffeur Monkey’
Here’s how it works – You’re out and about anywhere in
The bike breaks apart, folds up and goes in bags, which I then throw in your boot, and drive you home in your own car.
It’s the best job I’ve ever had!!
It’s the best job I’ve ever had!!
Since starting last year, I’ve now driven quite literally hundreds of different cars. But here’s the thing….. I still don’t know anything about them!
That’s not to say I can’t recognise different cars apart from each other. I know the shit out of that now, much to the continued and ever increasing annoyance of my wife.
“That’s a Skoda Octavia…. I’ve driven one of them”
“That’s a Toyota
“That’s a BMW 5 series….. I’ve driv-“ “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!”
“Yes dear”
No, it’s just that I don’t know anything that one probably should know if they did the sort of job that I do. What’s ‘torque’? No idea!, What’s the meaning of having a bigger litre engine? Buggered if I know!, ‘traction control’? Don’t know, but I know that if you turn it off the car instantly becomes much more dangerous to drive….. why did someone invent that?
So now I reach the point of this blog…
Last week I was enjoying a rare outing to the pub and I fell into the now familiar conversation with a friend.
“So Jake, what’s the nicest car you’ve ever driven”
“Jaguar XFR100” I said without hesitation, expecting the quiet awe that the answer usually provokes…….mainly because no one has heard of the XFR100, but I said ‘Jaguar’ so it must be a top notch motor.
But instead my friend said something I wasn’t expecting at all – “Why?”
I was stumped. It’s certainly the quickest car that I’ve ever driven, but does that make it the nicest? Probably not!
So what does make a car nice to drive? Speed? Comfort? How many cup holders it has? What celebrity voice the Sat-Nav directs you with? I have no idea!
“You should write a blog” another friend says, “You could be like the Anti-Clarkson”.
I instantly fell in love with the idea…. A blog of car reviews written by someone who knows bugger all about cars. I’d read it!
So here goes…. From now on I’m going to be taking notes on all the cars I drive for Chauffeur Monkey and letting you, my faithful reader, know what’s hot and what’s not in the world of motoring-without-a-clue.
No comments:
Post a Comment